"Some things torment us more than they ought; some torment us before they ought; and some torment us when they ought not to torment us at all. We are in the habit of exaggerating, or imagining, or anticipating, sorrow". ~Seneca
Someday I'll write about you.
Incomplete sentences, incomplete promises. I want to write about you, without sighs inbetween connected dots. I want to tell you how memories of you come in flashes, like a distant memory been replayed in a movie. It's painful that your voice is left in a memory now.
I struggle to remember how you sound, how you laugh. Your laughter lost amongst laughters without their owners. Memories ever so distant.
It's a year today that you left this world. You left without saying goodbye and the world moved on brother. The world... Moved on.
I...moved on, or something like that. If moving on is avoiding your brother because he looks an awful lot like you or how my heart sink everytime I pass through where you used to live. I don't know if moving on is deleting your number after many months.
I still remember, even though I wish I don't. I curse my memory sometimes. I remember how much you hated being alone and you'll invite us, your friends over. I remember your throaty laughter when caught trying to be cunny. I remember cooking with you and debating who gets to cook and who gets to wash the plates later. I remember the hours spent at the law resort, I remember the night classes in school and the pre exam revision at your place. I remember... I remember....
I remember November 7 2019. I was at the hospital with you, before leaving in the evening. Only to be told hours later, that you are dead.
You know, death, dying, is all of this gut wrenching confusion.
You never want to be alright. You, the unfortunate being who got left behind.
The next day, you're burying a friend. You hear wors like "body,deceased,grave". You stop short at the most importune moments. You think you might be dead. You stare at the body of your once agile friend laying down wrapped in white sheets. Perhaps you are insane and this is not happening. Perhaps you are dead and this is the way things have always been. But your wretchedness is made more pitiful by the truth.
You are breathing, yet not alive. You are dying in chunks of incorporeal insanity.
My eyes are welling up now, so I'll stop with the reminiscing. I want to get through writing this.
Oh, how I wish the family you left behind are doing okay right now. I wish... I can tell you. I wish. Your brother just passed away, I couldn't attend his burial and I haven't gone to see your Mum. I can't go through it all over again, I don't know how to console your mum who lost two sons within a year. How could I tell her to be strong, I don't want to tell her to accept fate. I can't stand the stench of hypocrisy that my words will carry as I talk to her. .
I feel numb, I felt nothing when i heard. I just stared blankly into space. It's happening again, was all I could mutter.
I remember your brother. I remember him, I remember how I used to avoid him due to his striking semblance of you. He reminds me so much of you. Sometimes, we'll bump into each other. I'll make our conversation as short as possible, so that I can hurry away quickly. And whenever I see him from afar, I wave at him and never made an effort to see him up close. I remember mustering all my courage and texted him on his birthday. How he told me he appreciates it and also chastised me for not being available both online and offline. I remember his smile, the one that brings forth the dimple same as yours. He's similar to you, maybe far too similar
I haven't brought myself to delete his number like I did yours. But, when I do, it'll be two numbers in a year.
Oh, God. I can't imagine how devastated your mum would be. I remember her, I remember what she said to me. The painful memory still etched in my brain. When I went visiting again, days after your death. In the midst of greetings, she looked at me and said "Jawondo omo mi ti kuro larin yin" "Jawondo my boy has left your midst" she broke down in tears. The people around told me to leave, so I left as I fought back my tears.
I remember you today, I remember you everytime. But, I dwell on your memories today. I thought about how I'll never really understand the love you had for me and the faith you had in me. Freely you gave your time, knowledge, money and your space consistently.
Two years ago, you told me how smart I am and how I'm going to make it. Two years gone, and I'm still trying to be deserving of those praises.
The pain of losing you is still fresh, then we lost to ur brother too. I pray your and your brother rest in peace.
I can't write anymore, I can't....
Maybe someday, I'll write about. When I'm healed, maybe not.
Rest in perfect peace. Muhammad Adnan Yusuf.
Bunyamin Yusuf. Rest in perfect peace.
Jawondo Jr
November 7 2020
